Hmmm...

I really don't know what happened with that last post...

I was very tired last night, my computer had died on me, and I didn't feel like getting out of bed to plug in the power cord.  But I could not sleep for the life of me.

So I pulled out my phone, and typed this deep, meaningful, poetic verse about longing for dreams washing over me and the night engulfing.

Or allowing the night to bring the dreams...

I honestly can't remember now, and I erased the message from my phone.

But, just so you know...  It was the greatest piece of literature I have ever wrote.  And this, is the tribute.
Nice one, Tenacious D.

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Tight Monies

This month is going to be a little tight for us.
Really tight.
I have tuition due for my last semester of college, along with rent, bills, and a court cost we won't go into detail about.  The amount is hefty, and I am a little afraid of not getting everything paid.

This is the first time since I have moved out on my own (except when my ex cleaned out the bank account) that I have been tight on money.  We have a plan of not going out much, not driving much, and living off of rice and beans for awhile until we can build back a financial safety net.

I am also considering other ways to make money... not all of them illegal.  They include, but are not limited to:

-Stripping
-Prostitution (not my favorite)
-Winning the lottery jackpot
-Selling organs
-Selling plasma
-Signing up for experiments at research facilities

Some are more feasible than others.  Such as the lottery.  That will definitely happen, right?  RIGHT?  Yes, agree with me and make me feel a little better.

On the bright side, with all the sitting around and staying in I will be doing, I will have an abundant time to write and become reacquainted with my dear blog here.

Have a lazy Sunday afternoon, everyone.

Love,
Lenina

Chance

I suffer from bulimia and body dismorphic disorder.  I'm sure I have made that clear over many blog entries on this site.  Cures exist, as we are told, but nothing has ever worked for me, up to date.  Therapy, food journals, drawings, hypnotism... I think at one point I was a doctoral student's thesis paper.  Nothing gives me the result I want.  Which is to sit down at a plate of food and not feel guilt.  To finish a plate of food and not immediately purge my body of its contents.

So when a friend of mine told me about a new program she was following, I was skeptical.  I had gotten to the point where I felt nothing would ever be different, and I would just be dealing with this forever.  I have gained weight from the worst times, I look healthy.  I feel overweight and disgusting.  But I can make myself eat.  I can't always keep it down, but I do my best.  I was ready to deal with it.

But this new program, well, its different from everything else I have ever tried.  There are daily lessons, a regiment of food intake, and an internal support system.  Oh, and it centers all of it around God, and healing yourself for His glory.

It has been a LONG time since I have been overly religious.  I was raised Baptist.  And that's how I phrase that to people on purpose.  I was raised Baptist.  I don't consider myself to be anymore.  I was jaded by the "Christians" I was raised around in church.  I haven't felt the need to practice an organized religion, but I do miss the fellowship.

And so I thought this was a good idea.  Not only might I find a cure and healing, but I could maybe find that fellowship I missed from the past.

Tonight was the first night I went to a group meeting.  Within the lesson, we discussed how God gives people second chances.  Even third, fourth, or 60th chances.  He wants us to serve a purpose, and we don't always follow the first time.

So now I am thinking, do I even deserve a second chance?  Or I suppose it would be more like the 60th category for me by now.  What warrants forgiveness?

Just a ponderous thought for the evening.