I've been here before; I've written here before; I've lived a different life before.
Perhaps this all seems familiar to you as well. Perhaps you read my words, see my blog, and deja` vu hits you like a ton of bricks. Don't worry. It's completely natural. Just keep coming back and reading more.
I contemplated a new name as well. Perhaps now Hester Prynne, Dorothy Hare, or even Lilith better suits my purpose. But in the end, I know that Lenina Crowne is the best descriptive noun for me.
This entire past year has been a time of change. Nothing in my life is the same as it was before. I've lost someone so close to me that my heart aches everyday at the thought of never seeing him again. Then I've lost some people that I hope burn forever in the fiery lakes of hell. Or suffer the pain of a thousand deaths. Or simply understand the pain they caused me and why I had to do what I had to do. To survive. To be happy. To live.
So. Here goes again. Another chance. Another attempt. And that's all I see life as. An endless cycle of new chances and opportunities. But I swear upon all that is holy and sacred. Never again will I sacrifice my endeavors to please another human. I will live for myself.
And I will die for myself.
2 comments:
I remember you. Another time, another place, perhaps another reality. You speak of loss; I have lost someone from long ago. It hurt when I lost her the first time and it still hurt all these years later when she was forced to shed her mortal existence. There is a hole in my heart and it will never be fully healed. Either I loved her too much or I'm just a fool and can not let go. Either way, I carry her with me forever, pain and joy.
In a sense, I have been lost myself for a while. Not quite the same as I was before; for better or worse. I am interested to see how my new emerging will affect those around me; friends, work ASSociates, clients and enemies alike. Well, let’s just wait and see, Goody Goody.
You have learned a lesson that is a hard for some people to do. Have the internal will to say "I am important. My needs are important. I will not be silent and go quietly into the night with sadness to make someone else happy." Never sacrifice your dreams lightly for in the end they may be all you have left.
Finally, my friend never let anyone try to control you for whatever reason. They are devious evil people out there that will profess love to you and try to control you through what they perceive as love. They will want you to become their "everything", do not. Because as the saying goes "Never make someone your everything. Because when they are gone, you will have nothing."
I know I will not die for myself. It will be for someone else and of my own free will. I know my fate, just not the time or for who.
Felicitations Lenina I'm proud of you. See you around at craft time. :)
Oh yes my basket weaving buddy. Oh yes.
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