Sunday, June 14, 2009
Bully Me, Huh?
I wonder sometimes what it would be like to look at food without the eyes of my eating disorder and body dismorphic disorder. What is it like to eat a meal without trying to rid yourself of the guilt afterward? Rid yourself of the food? Can people really eat three meals a day without the fear of gaining weight? Because I can't. Every meal is a burden for me. Every morsel of food that passes my lips causes me pain.
I have to force myself not to get on the scale each day. Because if my weight goes up, my day is ruined. All I can imagine is that everyone is staring at the pounds of fat moving gelatinously around my body. And yes, in my rational mind I know this is not normal. But my irrational part wins every time. Its tiring.
So tiring. Just because I'm afraid of being fat. What a stupid fear.
I've tried therapy. I'm on pills. And yet my weight issues still exist. Perhaps my problem is that I have no patience for these "treatments." And the fact that I put quotations around the word "treatments" should show you how much faith I put in them. Maybe they're like fairies. You have to believe in them for them to work. I don't believe in fairies either.
I just want one meal, one meal without that nagging bit of guilt and a picture of me as a fatty in the back of my head.