Sunday, January 24, 2010

Insomnia... Again

Anxiety gets me. It really does. I can feel my heart racing and panicking wildly in my chest, although there is no sane or rational reason for it. I have a snoring softly warm body beside me even, one leg thrown over mine, usually a comfort, and still I can not come down from this high.

Tomorrow is a big day; maybe that is the cause of this sudden outbreak. I'm trying to squeeze in four classes in one day, two days a week. So on Monday and Wednesday I am on campus for a whopping total of ten hours. It's daunting, to say the least, and I can feel the dread of the exertion building inside.

I get so tired of myself sometimes. Tired of not being able to handle things, tired of panicking, tired of feeling uncomfortable in my own skin, tired of the mania that means I won't sleep, tired of the following depression that leaves me exhausted and almost confined to the bed. I'm afraid of pushing away the one person I need, and I feel sorry that he has to deal with my problems. He deserves better than that.

I go to speak to the doctor again this week. Another check up, another measuring, another endless barrage of questions about my emotions and actions and appetite and feelings. I am definitely not in the mood to deal with it. Medications help, but they don't solve everything. I want a quick fix, or to at least know what if feels like to function like a normal person with no chemical imbalance.

I dwell on the negative, see how I did it? That is another freakin' bad habit of mine. I really need to just get over myself. I'm in a warm bed, a wonderful man beside me who loves me, and a family that supports me and is behind me 100%.

Everything will be alright...

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