Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Gross...

DISCLAIMER: Do not continue reading if you are squeamish, just skip the next couple of lines, then continue on down the page...

I awoke this morning in a pool of my own blood.

No, I had not been shot or stabbed in the middle of the night.  The curse of the bitch came upon me while I slept, and thus I bled.
We are a strong gender as we can bleed for a week and not die.  That's pure evil right there...

But the worst part is the feeling I get whenever I get my (I'm going to say it; prepare yourself) period.  I've only noticed this emotion in the past couple of years, which makes me believe your body can betray you in numerous ways.

I am always terribly relieved to find that I am not pregnant, as I am definitely not ready for a baby.

But I am also so sad... that I am not pregnant.  I know, contradictory and nonsense.  But that's common for most women to not make sense with their emotions.

How can you want something and not want something at the same time.  For almost the entire month I had dreams of a dark headed baby girl with green eyes.  I had her at my breast, bouncing on my knee, watching her in her father's arms... and it was a wonderful dream.  I woke each time with a smile, a warmth, and a slight ache.
There is a happiness there that I cannot explain.  I am terrified of having my own children.  You give up yourself, your wants and desires, for the wants and desires of someone else.  I don't know if I am that type of person.  Can I give all of myself to someone else?  Someone that is literally half of me?

Perhaps.  But for now, I go back to cleaning a bloody red stain out of the sheets.

8 comments:

tagskie said...

Nice blog you got here... Just droppin' by to say hi! http://www.arts-and-entertainment.info

Heriberto said...

你的部落格很棒,我期待更新喔........................................

summer-felix said...

I have those dreams too, about wanting a baby, having a baby, and being so happy. Except I wake up desperately confused because during waking hours I DO NOT want a child. Is that our clocks ticking? I say screw the clock. I'm too selfish for a kid, yet selfless in my marriage. Maybe a little more selfish would be good... Anyway, you've got a new fan. :)

Lenina Crowne said...

Biology is such a tricksy fickle bitch.
My significant other and I talked about selfish thing. We're just not ready to give so much of ourselves to a new person.
I dropped by your blog by the way. I really like your writing and perspective.

saidi said...

Bonjour Lenina
Ne t'inquiéte pas toute la vie est pleine de son,de douleur,mais on ait là pour cette raison enigme:rien ne vaut la vie et la vie ne vaut rien.
chaque jour quand tu te léve le matin tu te demande ou sont tes craintes et soupires... ils sont passés hier,la semaine derniére,l'année derniére mais ils ont laissé des traces qui seront éffacés par l'oublis.
alors commence continue ta vie sans regarder dans tes reves et sans regarder derriére.
saidi

Lenina Crowne said...

Merci, saidi...

Merci des beaux mots.

Stop by any time.

Damaris said...

I just stumbled onto your blog. :) I have the same relationship with the thought of having children. I look forward to the experience (one day), but I am so turned off by all of the things that would have to change in my life. I've got time...

Lenina Crowne said...

That's what I keep saying... "I'll have time later..." I just hope I eventually get to it, lol.