Sunday, August 22, 2010

Just Get It Over With

You know how I feel right now?

Empty.

I don't know why.  I just got off work, I have to be there again in 7 hours.  I should be sleeping.  But instead, my mind is turning in on itself, thinking thoughts I don't want to be thinking.  Feeling things I shouldn't be feeling.

In my dreams lately, the color dreams, I am being chased.  Chased by a monster, a monster that bears down upon me, no matter how fast I run.  In the dream, I keep creating these safe places.  Such as, while attempting to hide in a house (that I know in real life) from this monster, I created this secret compartment, an underground safety room.  I closed myself off, and promptly woke up.

Why do I always feel like I need to protect myself?  Why am I always running?  Why do I try to please every fucking person around me, then forget that I have needs and wants, too?  Why do I put everyone before myself?

Why am I still fucking awake, typing on the computer, asking myself a million freaking questions?
There's another question right now.

I just want to make everyone happy.  I want to make him happy.  I try so hard.

Sometimes I fall short.  Just forgive me for the wrongs I do.

12 comments:

ADVERSE! said...

hey lenina, this entry sounds like your very harsh on yourself....i can relate to the thoughts and questioning going around and around, i think we all have days.nights like this too. Im no expert on dreams, yours made me ask "is she feeling exposed in her waking life"... i think you know trying to make others happy is nigh on impossible, trying hard for your self is healthy...n so is self forgivness and acceptance. I truely hope these shitty feeling pass sooner rather than later

Lenina Crowne said...

I had a really shitty night last night, Adverse.
I woke up this morning, and I felt a little better. I think I'm just in a mood that will pass. Thanks for the kind words and trying to wake me up.

MonkeyOne said...

I hear you in my head right now. It's a bit freaky. I'm exhausted but my brain won't shut off. I am a pleaser too; it's a problem in my life. I'm probably miserable because of it; the resentment is creeping in. The question becomes "what about my dreams", "what about me", "does anyone give a damn?"
I hear you.

Lenina Crowne said...

Being heard, understood, and knowing you are not alone... its nice.
So how do you make the questions stop?

ADVERSE! said...

oooo now theres a question, how to make the questions stop...i have no idea, but lets say we did make the questions stop....how would we truely feel? i dunno if id feel like a stranger in me own skin lol

Lenina Crowne said...

I question, therefore I exist. Lol. I like it.

vladyslav said...

Hello There Thoughtful Lady!
missed reading your blog entries for some time now :(

glad i read this one to see that you are being honest with yourself by asking all these questions!

i know this may sounds so silly and vague, but trust me (lol @ trusting random person online, but hey i'd rather be naive) you will find all the answers someday.


v.-

silverwfox said...

Hey crazy lady. This old Goat has a blog site and I wish to share it with u. Gayisevolutuon.posterous.com. I hope u enjoy as much as I enjoy ur words of deepitude. Miss u. I'm counting down the next three weeks like a bandit on the run!

Lenina Crowne said...

You tease me with this link. It says Error 404 when I attempt to visit.

I must call you soon. Still working on the itinerary. We had some money things come up. But you will be here, if I have to drive down to Florida to retrieve you.

I love you.
Yours.
Royal Messenger

silverwfox said...

Gayisevolution.posterous.com
Sorry I misspelled earlier foolish!

Toyin O. said...

You can not make everyone happy, you will drive yourself crazy trying to do that. Try to be happy with who you are, that is all that matters.

Toyin O. said...
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