Monday, February 9, 2009

Hidden Envy

"Look at her. God, she's so skinny. She won't be around for much longer." The two girls I sat with whispered to me about the obviously anorexic girl walking by us.

"I know. She works out constantly. I see her running every day. I doubt she even weighs 70 pounds." It was true. Even with the shirt and sweater she was wearing, you could see her bones protruding out of her skin. Her clothes basically hung from her. She was a wraith. I wanted to be just like her.

My companions turned to me, expecting to find my agreement. So I complied.

"Yes, she looks so unhealthy. Someone needs to help her." Inside I was so jealous of how thin she was, how bony she looked. I wanted to look like that, too. Just staring at her I felt all the fat on my body, and all I could think about was shedding it somehow. Anyhow. Anyway. Maybe I needed to be helped, too.

My one comment was enough to keep them going. Until they began discussing eating disorders in general. My heart rate increased. I always know someone will suspect my secret. I pressed my lips together and stared at my hands folded on the table, listening to them chatter.

"Anorexia is where you starve yourself, right? And bulimia is where you puke?" Such simple explanations, ones that don't even begin to cover the topic.

"Yeah, that's right. I can't even imagine making myself throw up. I hate doing that." Again they looked to me.

You can force yourself to do anything.

I stared back at them and shook my head from side to side. "You'd have to be crazy to do that."

If only they knew how true my words were.

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