Thursday, April 23, 2009

Cynic

Time is relative. And anyone who argues that point I will blatantly ignore. These past three weeks have c-r-e-p-t by. And I know as soon as I pull into his driveway Saturday night everything will turn into light speed somehow.

I'm cynical. Very cynical. Love is a thing tangled with legend and myth. I've been married and divorced. I've seen someone who swore their undying love for me, to care for me and be there for me, completely break every promise. He was there. And that was about it. There was no love, no caring, no tenderness, no understanding, no communication.

I've had other guys say they love me, that they will always love me. At first I would believe it, but everyone always lets you down. So my cynicism has grown now to an unbelievable level. I have many many shields around me, to protect me; I don't like people getting too close.

After my divorce, I swore never to fall in love with someone again. I would care for other people. But there would never ever be a relationship worth my time or effort. And I refused to do it. I was going to flippantly fuck around, and enjoy the hell out of myself.

But him. He's so damn different.

Initially, I was just looking to have a good time. And we had been friends for years, with many great memories. I've always been attracted to him. I just never assumed I could be one of the girls he told me about being with.

So we started dating. And I felt a nick in my armor start to form. Just for him. It scared the hell out of me. My heart was wanting to open up and be honest with another human being. My heart wanted to love. I just wanted it to stop. And so I was not as warm as I should have been at first. But that damn nick kept growing.

And one night I woke up, and I watched him sleep. He was so peaceful and at rest. And I felt something I have never ever felt before. I still don't know what to call that emotion. But I felt my eyes prick. Thankfully, he awoke just enough to wrap his arm around me, pull me so tight I could barely breathe, and kiss my forehead. I went back to sleep in wonder.

I'm still a cynic. I'll always be a cynic. I am not one to trust openly and blindly. I doubt I ever will be. But he has broken down my shields. And I'm scared. But I'm also so very happy.

I love you.

4 comments:

Jeffrey Teagle said...

What a wonderful thing to say about your "demon". I hope he reads your blog regularly so that he knows how much really care and feel for him;)

Lenina Crowne said...

He does. But he has a lot of catching up to do when he gets back from AT this weekend.

Three's Ennui said...

cynical is good. . . it helps keep us grounded when we feel otherwise

Lenina Crowne said...

It helps keep me protected.