Thursday, February 4, 2010

Bucket Lists and Tales of Love

January has already passed by, and February has a running start. I wonder just how quickly 2010 will pass us by? And if the rumors are true at all, that puts us closer to the doomsday date of December 21, 2012. Which I am not sure about, because the Bible states that, "No man shall know the date or time."

I believe the world will end some day, whether of our own misguided attempts at controlling the world with hate and violence, or just because of a freak natural occurrence. No one knows, and I dare not convey even the slightest bit that I have some great personal knowledge on the subject. I do not. Just a normal every day person with her own opinions and ideas, however wrong or misleading they may be.

So, if the world were to end in 2012, what would you want to have accomplished? It is the end of your life on this earth, and who knows what temporal plane awaits, but the existence you know is over. This question plagues me.

It doesn't even have to deal with 2012, either. What do you wish to accomplish before your demise? What things are so meaningful to you, or to your posterity, that you must check them off your list before you kick the bucket?

There are a number of things I want to proudly proclaim that I have achieved. Some are material, some are emotional. Some are important and large; some are so seemingly insignificant that no one but me would ever even notice or be aware that it was done. But it would still be done.

I know a number of people that know me well are reading this and saying, "I know what is number one on her list. Being published." And yes you would be correct in a way. One day seeing my name, my work, my life's blood in print would be amazing, and it is definitely one of my top priorities. But it is not number one.

When I discuss my number one, which I assure you, is rather corny, please do not laugh. And if you must laugh, at least cover your mouth so I don't see the snicker.

I want my own family.

You there, I said cover your mouth!

I know, me the girl that for the longest has been against romantic love and everything it stands for, against procreating and adding to the overpopulation of the world. That girl, me, longs to have unconditional, unrelenting, I-would-die-for-you-and-without-you love. I think for the first time, even after the failed marriage, I have found it.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my family. I would die for each and every one of them willingly. I would do (almost) anything they ask of me. But we are blood. And that is a different type of love. It is another thing altogether to me when you wish to mix your blood with someone else's to create a partnership, helpmates. I don't think I ever truly understood that before. Which is sad. To me, before, in my deft innocence, I saw marriage and love as something that came easily, and without any deep involvement. You did it to do it, because it was the next step, what was expected from you. When my marriage ended, and even before it ended, when it was just depressing and loveless, I became so jaded and cynical. I would look at other people getting married, having babies, and sincerely wonder if they both truly loved the other, or if they were just settling down and doing "what comes natural" to our species. And the realization of that being my first thought always bothered me. I wanted to believe in an elevated love, one that was different from the high school puppy love that plagued me, but I couldn't find it, and I couldn't see it. So I lost hope. For a long time.

But now, I see it as a reality. As something that, yes, you have to work for. But it does come. And sharing so much of yourself with someone else, and KNOWING that they absolutely do care and are listening and want to give you back just as much of themselves, well... it is just an amazing feeling.

So, I guess that's one thing to cross off my bucket list.

8 comments:

colin said...

I just can't see the world ending for real when Hollywood made a movie about it starring John Cusack and Amanda Peet. Don't seem right.

Lenina Crowne said...

Hollywood really does ruin everything.

NiyyaNoire said...

i think we all have a long list of stuf we want done before we pass Godspeed!

vladislav said...

You write well, and more importantly honest.

Lenina Crowne said...

Thank you... that really means a lot.

bb said...

Doomsday can't be forcasted mathematically nor historically. It will occur all of a sudden like death comes to every living things....one thing you are supposed to question yourself, have you been useful for others? Unless your life is in vain....

Lenina Crowne said...

Well put, BB.

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