Monday, March 22, 2010


I'm still in school.

Its been 7 years, and I'm still in school.

Now, yes, some things came up in those seven years - mental disorder diagnoses, marriage, divorce, death, change of majors, change of schools. But the fact of the matter remains.

I am still in school.

And as much as I pretend I'm glad I'm still moving forward and working toward my degree, every time I do a homework assignment, every time I study for a test, every time I drive toward campus, the extreme disappoint in myself shines through. And hurts.

The only thing I wish to change about my past, my only true regret, is not finishing and graduating on time. There isn't much I could do to change it, but I wish I could.

I am 25, and I have yet to get my bachelor's degree, even though I have been in college since my high school graduation. I feel like a failure.

I love myself. I love me as a person, my character and my thoughts and my beliefs and my loves.

I just hate that I cannot do this one simple task. Something that everyone else from my graduating class, and now younger, have done. How can I not feel like a failure, even slightly.

Most of the time I move past this, but as of late, I can't. I can't focus on the task at hand because I am so focused on the disappointment. Which I know in itself is hindering me. I want to pull my own weight, but I can't support myself; I need someone else to do it. I want to be independent. Can love survive a dependent relationship?

I don't want to lose what I have because of my inadequacies. Sometimes I feel I'm not good enough for anyone.

Someone pull out the violins. Its a pity party for 1.


Stacey said...

make that a pity party for two... everything you wrote is seriously how i feel as well... it took me along time to get to the point to even be able to go to school and now its going to take me 6 or 7 years to possibly complete it im so angry at myself for not just doing it right out of high school, for settling down... ive been sooo disappointed in myself... im watching right now people one year younger then me graduate people who where in 11th or even 10th grade when i was a senior... all my friends have graduated and became something and ive just let myself fall behind.. and it kills me to not be able to support myself, i hate not having money after my bills are paid its not the way i thought it would have turned out, and i dont like myself for letting it turn out this way. if i could go back and change it i would have never settled down at such a young age i would have gone to school and not wasted so many years.

ADVERSE! said...

i say naff off to Age 35 and ive been back at school for 3 years and another 2 to go and all being well and i pass another 2years at uni to get a degree, hope that make you guys feel alittle abetter about your ages. With age comes life experince something younger folk lack! use it to your advantage and keep sight of the goals you originally set! youll get there! the long way round is full of fustriations and self doubt but yous can do o luck!

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+Anthony said...

i say at least you're making the effort, thats what counts, every goal one sets for themselves is bound to come with some problems, be it monetary, social or self doubt. keep at it and soon it will all be worth it. i'm 29 and only now going back to school, its not a matter of age, its a matter of accomplishment.

Lenina Crowne said...

Thanks for all the words of encouragement. I needed that.

vladyslav said...

this is a big topic in my life and of others around me, will hold off my comment until i can express my thoughts better.

for now, do not feel as a failure to be in school, it is a privilege to be able to learn. i know this is not a very helpful of a comment.

Bobby said...

Battle through it chick, all of us students have times like this.

Bobby said...

Battle through it chick, all of us students have times like this.

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